I often struggle to pay my bills on time. And to stay completely connected in group conversations. Focus. My mind wanders and isn’t always interested in taking care of those tasks as well as I would like. I’m painfully aware of my faults and shortcomings. I have no illusions or delusions about these things. That I know of. I’m honest with myself. Who else can you count on? Well, I can count on my wife for complete honesty. And to pay my bills on time. I’m blessed to have her. I’m aware of my shortcomings and sometimes parade them like badges. Maybe thats a shortcoming. Maybe it depends on where your standing and how many mirrors are in the room. Maybe.

I think I know what i’m good at. I think I can out suffer most people. I can turn off the discomfort meter and and just go. If I want. I know I’m shy and a little awkward socially but I can also find a way to meld and fit into almost any place. I can make it happen. Maybe it’s survival instinct. I dont know. And I don’t really know how I do it. But lately I struggle with the transition. BigTime.

One day your on your belly on the side of some mountain crawling through the thorns and weeds and brush up to a group of armed men and you dont want to be discovered because some of these men are bad and a few days later your asking some guy to find your name on a list so you can go to a party with a bunch of over dressed over enthusiastic people who only want to talk about themselves and that transition is a little bit tougher than you expected.

Sorry if you were at one of those partys, I’m probably not talking about you specifically.

Sometimes these things are hard to articulate. My wife understands. Bless her.

I don’t like to over think things but it has occurred to me that at times I ought to think about some things a little bit more. But seriously, the thinking probably wouldn’t help much. Why start now.

Sometimes you know your limits and can see them coming a mile away and sometimes they sneak up and kick you in the balls.

Tiny black birds everywhere. Flitting here and there, each on separate sorties but all of a collective mind. Always perched overhead. Watching. And dark clouds above them. Rolling and morphing, occasional sunlight breaching through to paint the dirty concrete or maybe an empty and boarded up store or restaurant.

There are always strange figures in the peripheral. Peering from behind a wall. Moving just out of sight when you turn your head. The people here like to kill one another. More than any other place in the state, per capita that is. I heard the stories about how it started but I just kept thinking that things like that never really start. Never really. I heard the stories and then I wished I hadn’t.

And the sun will set and the dark sky will grow darker and maybe it will rain again and maybe there will be strange lights on the horizon. Again. Maybe.

Behind me to the west the thunderstorm is drying out. I came through it two hours ago. Now there is wind between us and the sun is pale, reaching through the rain and then the dust and so diffused I can stare right into it. Mountains rise up on either side like the broken molars of some massive dragon. The wind here is warm but I am not comforted by it.

This place where everyone has been left behind. Everyone a lost child. Everyone like particles of lint or dust that the broom always seemed to miss on it’s way to the dustpan. And there is some strange electricity in the air but the figures I see, hunched over cars in the parking lot, scurrying to and from the liquer store, they all seem not to notice. They all grew imune long ago. But I feel it, reaching in, trying to grab me. Trying to keep me.

I can taste dust in my mouth now. I hurry inside, fighting panic.

My buddy David Newsom took this tonight. Out on some lonely hillside. I’m not sure if I’ve ever looked quite so cool.

Yes, I clock in for work like this on most days lately…

Photo by Matt Powers