Ten

I’ve been here 10 years today. Here being California. Los Angeles. Hollywood. These places seem more a state of mind to me than something geographical. But so much has changed in my life. I think I’ve been dreading this day. I don’t know why. Maybe I do but I won’t write about it.

Danielle and I just returned last night from two days of shooting a music video in the mountains about an hour north of here. She produced and I directed. We had top of the line equipment and a small but exceptional crew. Actually the most competent and professional crew I’ve ever had.

It was so cold up there. Both mornings myself, the DP and the 1st AC left at 6 AM to shoot as the sun rose. The first morning we drove all the way to the top of the mountain, an elevation of almost 9000 feet. It was so cold. Brutal cold.

I’ve always been superstitious about synchronicity and dates. It seems to mean something that the shoot coincided with my 10 year anniversary here. I don’t think I’m making something from nothing over it either.

I guess I’ve been dreading the date because I feel like I should have achieved more by now. I do know that 10 years ago I could not have directed the video I just did. I could not have led such a professional cast and crew. And nobody in their right mind would have come to me with money and asked me to even try.

But somehow that doesn’t comfort me. I was going through the footage from the shoot and came across this clip and felt like it summed up my feelings about being here 10 years. About the experience of those 10 years.